I smiled when I checked on the Gospel for the 7th Sunday in Ordinary Time. It begins with the exhortation on love of enemy. The Gospel tells me to love my enemy. My enemies are those who hurt me and abused me. When I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. stripped me of my clothes until I am fully naked as I laid on his bed as if I am ready to be devoured by him, he also stripped me of my dignity and of the many things that are important to me. Do I need to love and show kindness to this Jesuit who sexually abused me? Do I need to pray for this Jesuit who sexually abused me? I cannot do that because I no longer even pray for myself or for anybody.

When I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. fondled my genitals and made my penis fully erect, I cannot be merciful and kind to this Jesuit whose acts led me to lose my vocation and my faith in my many things.

When I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. masturbated and sucked by penis, I cannot be forgiving to this Jesuit whose act of sexually abusing me resulted in emotional suffering, episodes of depression and anxiety attacks. I cannot be forgiving to this Jesuit whose act of sexually abusing me resulted in my poor self-image and lack of self-worth as manifested in how I would isolate myself. I just feel better when I am alone.

As a victim, it is me that deserves mercy and kindness and justice. But there are occasions that instead of mercy and kindness and justice, I get insults from Jesuits.

I am bombarded by flashbacks and images of the sexual abuse I experienced from the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco. I cannot find any space to see my old self who used happy, enthusiastic, diligent, prayerful and optimistic. I cannot talk of a deepest self. I cannot talk of being spiritual. I cannot talk of religion. I seem to forget or detach myself from all the things associated with Fr. Ruben Tanseco and his being a Jesuit. I see myself as very far from what they would refer to as Ignatian spirituality and finding god in all things. I have to take care of myself away from religion, away from things spiritual. I have to be kind in my own little ways without attaching any spiritual meaning to it. I do my tasks without attaching ideas about the magis. I live my day-to-day life preferring to be isolated and alone. I just enjoy what needs to be enjoyed. I do not know the way to God. There is no such thing as my deepest self which is the space where God can speak to me. I think of it as an absurdity of all absurdities when I think of how Fr. Ruben Tanseco fondled my genitals, masturbated me and sucked my dick.

I lost a lot because of my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the Jesuit, Fr. Ruben Tanseco. Since I am a librarian by profession working in Loyola School of Theology, I bought and read a lot of books on sexual abuse. In one of the books that I read, it states that the negative effects of sexual abuse can get manifested years after the abuse happened. I think this is the experience of the victim of a former Jesuit, Fr. Jack Padua, whose story was published in Rappler.com.

As I look at my own personal experience and my present state now, one of the things that I notice and has become more frequent is some form of anxiety attacks. I feel jittery and nervous when I wake up. I notice my heart would beat faster and I begin to feel nervous. It is sometimes paralyzing. When it happens in the office, I have to stop working. I have to go out of my office, go to the football field and breathe some fresh air. I do not like such attacks. It makes me think of negative thoughts. When I experience anxiety attacks, my mouth dries up. I get paranoid about having bad breath. I become insecure and uncomfortable. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit leads me to experience psychological problems.

Spiritually, I no longer like to do the things I do before. As a seminarian studying philosophy and theology, seminary formation involves daily masses, community prayers, individual reflection, retreats and recollections as well as spiritual direction. I have not done any of those things now. I have not been to mass for years. I do not join retreats and recollections. I do not pray anymore. I do not go for spiritual direction. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit had driven me away from religion and from things spiritual.

Socially, I feel a lot better when I am alone. I feel safe when I am alone. I am most comfortable when I am at home. I just keep myself busy when I am at home that I do not have time to go out. I have not been to a neighbor’s house for years. Part of my job is to attend meetings. The mere thought of getting near other people makes me nervous and anxious. The result is dry mouth, insecurity, discomfort, and embarassment at the thought that I might have bad breath. I prefer being alone or stay at a distance from other people. I used to have close friends. My experience of sexual abuse resulted to me not trusting other people.

Personally, I used to be a jolly person with a lot of friends. I used to be a person who keeps a positive outlook and cheerful disposition. At work, I used to be organized and productive. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit made me depressed. I lost the positivity that I used to have. It is anything goes at work. I am no longer concerned about productivity.

Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ has many feathers on his cap. He was a priest, a religious, a Jesuit. He was a professor of pastoral counseling and was a counselor himself. He was a retreat director and a marriage encounter facilitator. He conducted seminars on christian parenting for peace and justice. He was a social justice advocate. He was a spiritual director in the tradition of the spiritual exercises of st. ignatius of loyola. However, despite of all these feathers on his cap, he has the capacity to do evil. He sexually abused me which was an experience of evil and injustice for me. My experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ is proof of the existential reality of evil in a Jesuit. My experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ caused me intense spiritual and emotional suffering. My experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ makes me a godless and evil person. My experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Rubem Tanseco, SJ led me to a realization that it is a lot easier for me to make a commitment for evil.

My way of celebrating the feast of St. Ignatius is to continuously remember and remind myself that I am a victim of sexual abuse by a Jesuit, Fr. Ruben Tanseco. It is an unforgettable experience that has created a deep Ignatian impact on me.

As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco stripped me of my clothes, I cannot miss to remind myself that such an act of stripping testifies to how the Holy Spirit works in a Jesuit.

As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco fondled my genitals and masturbated me, I cannot miss to remind myself of how a Jesuit is sent into the world to bring the Good News to all.

As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco sucked my penis, I cannot miss to remind myself of how such act of sucking is integral to Jesuit life and is associated with the Jesuit mission to love and serve more authentically.

How deep an impact my experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit has created in me.

Showing the way to God. What a nice apostolic preference of the Jesuits. As I reflect on this preference, I cannot remove the image of Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ from my mind. Last night, I saw his face in a dream and I was telling him to look at me and how damaged I am because of what he did to me. And here comes the apostolic preference on showing the way to God. I would always imagine the scene that Fr. Tanseco strips me of my clothes. He would remove my shirt. He would unzip my pants and remove my pants. He likes to look at me with just my underwear on. He would gaze at me with a smile on his face. In the Bible, Jesus was also stripped of his clothes before he was crucified. What a similarity of experience from the hands of a Jesuit. I was shown the way to God.

Fr. Tanseco would, then, remove my underwear. At this time, my penis is already erect after fondling it with my underwear still on. He would touch my inner thighs. He would fondle my balls. He likes to play with my thick but soft pubic hair. He would explore my body with his hands and fondle my nipples. I can feel my heart beating fast. There was excitement. There was pleasure. My body reacts with pleasure even in this abusive situation. I was shown the way to God.

Fr. Tanseco would get hold of my penis, fully erect with the excitement that goes with it. He would play with my precum. He would gently masturbate me until he puts my dick inside his mouth. I can feel the warmth. I can feel the pleasure and the excitement that I want to explode. My body would stiffen. Fr. Tanseco is a good sucker. It must be the mole in his upper lip. He knows the right timing. He would remove his mouth from my dick. My dick is still lubricated with his saliva as he masturbates until I explode cum that can reach my chest. I was shown the way to God.

Associate Justice Andres Reyes Jr., pointed out the important provisions of the 2004 Rules on Notarial Practice, viz.:

SEC. 2. Prohibitions

“(b) A person shall not perform a notarial act if the person involved as signatory to the instrument or document–

“(1) is not in the notary’s presence personally at the time of the notarization; and

“(2) is not personally known to the notary public or otherwise identified by the notary through competent evidence of identity as defined by these Rules.

“The physical presence of the affiant ensures the proper execution of the duty of the notary public under the law to determine whether the former’s signature was voluntarily affixed. Aside from forbidding notarization without the personal presence of the affiant, the Notarial Rules demands the submission of competent evidence of identity such as an identification card with photograph and signature which requirement can be dispensed with provided that the notary public personally knows the affiant. Competent evidence of identity under Section 12 of Rule II of the Notarial Rules is defined as follows:

“Sec. 12. Competent Evidence of Identity. – The phrase ‘competent evidence of identity’ refers to the identification of an individual based on:

“a) at least one current identification document issued by an official agency bearing the photograph and signature of the individual; or

“b) the oath or affirmation of one credible witness not privy to the instrument, document or transaction who is personally known to the notary public and who personally knows the individual, or of two credible witnesses neither of whom is privy to the instrument, document or transaction who each personally knows the individual and shows to the notary public documentary identification.” (Emphasis supplied)

Finally, I am able to sit down and write a reply to your latest email dated August 22. Firstly, I would like to address the issue of the release waiver and quit claim. I can still remember well one of the first questions that Fr. Borres asked when we met in Tagaytay some years back. He asked me if I have a lawyer. I said I do not have a lawyer. I am always mindful of good faith in all my dealings with Jesuits. From the very start, I am dealing with the Jesuits in an inferior and vulnerable position.

I was in the Rector’s Office in San Jose Seminary when he asked me to sign a document which you call a release waiver and quit claim. Signing such a document was not even taken up with me before I went to San Jose Seminary. I was told I cannot have a copy of the document. After that we went to the bank. As I was traveling back to Tagaytay, I was thinking of his what he said to me that I cannot have a copy of the document. Why I cannot have a copy of the document which has my signature on it has become a big question mark to me and make the validity of the document doubtful. I do not know the requisites for notarizing such a document and I am not sure if such requisites were complied. I am not sure if the notarization is valid without a legal counsel on my part or signing the document without the presence of a legal counsel. Since I do not have a copy of the document, I can only imagine what it stipulates. I can only imagine how it stipulates self-protection on the part of the Jesuits and the silencing of the victim of sexual abuse.

As I continue to think about that particular event, I cannot avoid thinking of the deceitful manner by which the document was prepared and signed without the benefit of legal counsel on my part. I cannot avoid thinking of it as a deceitful legal tactic. I cannot avoid thinking of it as another form of victimization. Acting in a deceitful manner does not speak well of a religious person, a formator, a spiritual director, a teacher of spirituality. I can still remember Fr. Gaa talking about how the devil can look like an angel wearing a religious habit. I can sign a million of such document but it can never make right the wrong of sexual abuse. More than a legal issue, justice is a moral issue.

Secondly, I would like to address the issue regarding my actions that can “result in negative consequences,” particularly, for me. I cannot avoid thinking of your statement as a subtle threat, if not a manipulation of conscience. Given my psychological struggle and spiritual weakness, you cannot dictate on my behavior. The road to healing is long and arduous. Emotional and psychological work may take years. One cannot speed up healing but you can do many things to slow it down. I know what I deserve and that is meaningful reparation and real justice. Making me a beggar asking you money every time I go for psychotherapy is not helpful. Healing involves empowerment and allowing me to take charge of my own life, set my own schedule, determine activities which I consider therapeutic. I cannot allow myself accompaniment from the people I no longer trust. The way it is now, I still have to see how Jesuits address the issue of justice head on to translate into concrete positive action the idea of “faith that does justice.” I was hurt by a Jesuit. I seek justice from the Jesuits even from an inferior and vulnerable position. It seems that justice is lopsided in favor of the rich, the influential, and the well-connected even in a religious context. If this is so, I cannot imagine how Jesuits can talk of effective presence in the world as any social justice advocacy is reduced to mere rhetoric.

As I remember the times that the Jesuit Fr. Ruben Tanseco stripped me of my clothes in his room in Loyola House of Studies, I think of how he was living out his vow of chastity as a religious and a disciple of St. Ignatius of Loyola.

As I remember the times that the Jesuit Fr. Ruben Tanseco fondled my genitals until my penis becomes fully hard and erect, I think of how he was practicing the justice that he preached. He conducts workshops for couples on Christian Parenting for Peace and Justice (CPPJ).

As I remember the times that the Jesuit Fr. Ruben Tanseco sucked my dick, I think of how profoundly he was putting into action the Ignatian spirituality that is integral to his Jesuit identity.

Lately, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. appeared in my dream. It was two mornings ago. I saw myself sharing a dinner table with him. There were other people milling around but I cannot recognize any of them. I shared this dream to a friend of mine. I feel strange about the dream. I woke up with my heart beating fast. I also felt numbness of my hands. I thought, then, of examining where I am now after Fr. Tanseco sexually abused me more than 30 years ago. I was 22 years old then. I am 56 years old now. Obviously, the negative effects of my experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit of such a stature continues to be present until today. In this blog, I narrate what I consider to be the current state of my interior landscape.

I have given up on spirituality and religion despite my seminary formation. I lost interest in things spiritual and religious. I do not practice the religion I was born and grew up with. This reality seems to be an anomaly given my years in the seminary and having a master’s degree in theology. Everything I learned in Loyola School of Theology and the Jesuit formation I undertook as a seminarian are meaningless. I went to a seminary run by the Jesuits, with Jesuit formators and end up being sexually abused by a Jesuit. The sexual abuse I experienced from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. has severely damaged my spiritual life and my faith which is a significant feature of my current interior landscape.

In terms of my work now and the profession I practice, I would take things one day at a time. There is a struggle in finding meaning in what I do as a librarian. I used to be an organized and productive person in terms of work. Now, I do not care enough about accomplishing tasks given my scattered thoughts and sheer lack of motivation. The sexual abuse I experienced from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. has affected my positive disposition about work and accomplishing tasks in way that I am sluggish. It is another significant feature of my current interior landscape.

I used to be a happy person with a cheerful disposition. Now, I easily get irritated and angry. I tend to raise my voice in anger because of things I consider wrongly done. I get to be sarcastic in making remarks about things I notice at home and at work.The cheerful disposition is gone. It is replaced by anger and sarcasm. It is a dominant feature of my interior landscape.

I am paranoid about having bad breath despite my obsession to my oral hygiene. I frequently brush my teeth. I gargle with Listerine or Bactidol often. I also use a mouth spray. However, I feel insecure when I am with other people especially when I attend meetings as part of my duties at work. I talk to people and I feel insecure whenever I see people touching or covering their noses when I speak or get close to them. I prefer to be alone. I do not mingle a lot with other people. I become an isolationist. I do not go to social and academic gatherings in school because I am afraid I smell bad. My association with people is limited to the people at home and the people I work with everyday. I go to the extent of asking my mother and nephews to smell my breath. They would tell me they smell nothing. My workstation is also isolated. I am out of sight from other people. I want to be alone as much as possible. Jokingly, I would tell a colleague that if I have 5 million pesos today, I would stop working and retire in isolation at home. Being nervous and insecure when I am with other people because of the feeling that I have bad breath is a permanent feature of my interior landscape.

As I write this blog entry, I feel nervous. I feel the numbness of my hands. I feel my mouth getting dry. I just want to be alone. I just want to be out of sight of others. As I narrate the current state of my interior landscape, I also call for help.

It is a rather lazy afternoon and in my boredom, I thought of writing some thoughts. As I continue to look back at my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the famous Jesuit, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, I cannot help but relive the instances that Fr. Tanseco stripped me of my clothes until I am fully naked in front of him. His hands would start to touch my body as he would tenderly touch my breast and play with my nipples using his fingers. As my body reacts with pleasure at the way Fr. Tanseco touches my nipples, I can only think of it as a concrete fruit of Ignatian discernment.

As I laid naked on his bed, Fr. Tanseco would fondle my genitals. My balls would harden and my penis would stiffen in pleasure. He would do the stimulating for a while. I would close my eyes and just feel the touching and the caressing of my balls, my thighs, my penis. It was a real fruit of Ignatian discernment.

Fr. Tanseco would eventually reach the point of masturbating my penis. The pleasure of the series of downward and upward movements of his hand in full grasp of my penis make me moan in a rather subdued manner. It was a genuine fruit of Ignatian discernment.

Fr. Tanseco would finally suck my dick. There is the feeling of warmth with my penis inside his mouth. The pleasure is beyond description when I reach the point of ejaculation. He would release my penis from his warm mouth. My penis would be wet and slippery with his saliva as he masturbates me for the final act until I ejaculate. He loves to see my sperm scattered over my abdominal area. It would reach my chest at times. It was a meaningful fruit of Ignatian discernment.

I happen to receive emails from the Jesuit Eric Clayton. I do now know if he is American or Canadian. The title of this particular blog is borrowed from him. In several of the emails I got from him, the subject is “Jesuit Hero.” I really did not read what he wrote. I am just struck by the title and with it, I am imagining how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. would become a Jesuit hero given my horrible experience of sexual abuse from him. Perhaps, Fr. Tanseco can be called a Jesuit hero in the way he stripped me of my clothes, become fully naked in front of him and ready to be devoured by him. I am imagining Fr. Ruben Tanseco as a Jesuit hero in the way he fondled my genitals to make my penis erect and play with it. I am imagining Fr. Ruben Tanseco as a Jesuit hero in the way he sucked my dick until my body stiffened in ecstacy prior to me spewing sperm inside his warm mouth. Actually, he was good at his job, the blow job.

I had my own chance of doing the thirty-day Ignatian retreat. Every day I have to meet my retreat director. I am imagining Fr. Tanseco as my retreat director and get my daily dose of a blow job during my daily colloquium with him.

My posts here in this blog is about my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of a Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ. About two weeks ago, I had a dream. The two important people in my dream was Minerva and Generoso. Minerva is the stepmother of Fr. Tanseco. Generoso is his father. I met them both when they would still have a house in Wack-Wack Village. Fr. Tanseco would bring me along with him to sleep over in their house. A week later, I had another dream. I saw Fr. Tanseco in my dream. I cannot remember the details in these dreams. I am just wondering about why I had dreams of these people. I can vividly recall the room of Fr. Tanseco in the Wack-Wack house. We sleep together in his room. We sleep on the same bed. I can clearly recall how Fr. Tanseco would caress me, take off my clothes until I am naked, fondle my genitals, make my penis hard, masturbate it and finally suck me until i cum. He is good at what he was doing. He has the skill in sucking that my body stiffens in pleasure as he sucked my dick. I am just wondering why the dreams.

How is the veneration of the cross done during Good Friday? I would see people line up to kiss the cross. Thinking of veneration by kissing, I would always remember how the supposed to be the holy lips of the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, kissed and sucked my dick. I stopped venerating the cross if that means kissing. I would remember how I was sexually abused by Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. by using his lips in exploring my genital area. If there was one event that led to the crucifixion, it was the Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit was an experience of betrayal. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed me. I trusted him all along because was a priest and a Jesuit. I would look up to him and his fellow Jesuits who are known for being brilliant men. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his priesthood and his vow of chastity. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his mission of leading people to God. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his advocacy for justice. His life was a double life, a life with a lot of betrayals. I cannot venerate a cross brought about by betrayal.

The weather is just cool and depressing. I can sense I start to feel jittery and my breathing start to become faster. I know something is going on inside that wants to be released, some kind of a poison I just have to expel from my system. I would remember how Holy Thursday was for me. It has been years that I have not considered this week holy. I can remember the washing of the feet being re-enacted on Holy Thursday services. However, it has ceased to be meaningful to me. I would imagine Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. re-enacting the washing of the feet using his hands consecrated to make things holy at ordination. But I think of the same hands that fondled my genitals and masturbated my penis until I ejaculate. I would imagine Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. kissing the feet of the apostles after washing them. The lips he used to kiss the apostles’ feet were the same lips that sucked my dick. These flashbacks make me shudder. These images make me tremble in anger and hate. I know something is wrong somewhere. But that is what a Holy Thursday simply is.

For the second time, I saw Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ in my dream last night. The place is familiar. In the Loyola House of Studies Complex where one can also find Loyola School of Theology (LST). In 1987, I was in my first year of theological studies in LST. In 1988, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ sexually abused me. I worked as a librarian in LST for some 11 years. In short, I spent a considerable number of years of my life in that place where I saw Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ in my dream last night. He looks sad and weak and pale. He must be suffering. At the back of my mind, he must be struggling with the thought that his being a Jesuit and his acts of sexually abusing me is beyond reconciling especially when you are familiar with the stature of Fr. Tanseco among the Jesuits in the Philippines. His sexually abusing me was something innate in him and is a concrete manifestation of his Jesuit identity and mission. His sexually abusing me truly reflects the spirit of creative fidelity to his vow of chastity and the Ignatian spirituality he would preach. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Tanseco concretely embodies what it means to minister with integrity and accountability. No wonder I saw him sad and weak and pale in my dream last night.

In my dream, I notice how the Jesuits were not talking to me. I can see a couple of Jesuits who used to be friends when I was a librarian in Loyola School of Theology. They were aloof as I notice them in my dream. I also saw myself inside the library. As always, it is a quiet place. I also notice one instance when I find myself in the LHS Lobby. I would see Jesuits milling around. They are familiar faces to me but they avoid me.

As I think about my dream and note things down, I am wondering about what it would mean. Only time will tell… Sooner or later.

This is the first time that Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ appeared in my dream. It was last night. He does not look good. He looked sick and tired. I would turn his face so that he can take a close look at me and see how damaged I am as a person because he sexually abused me. He looked down. He cannot afford to look at me. After all the years that passed, it was only during that time that he realized how broken I am because of him. I pointed to him something that looks like blood oozing from the foundation of a building. I do not know what it means but what comes to my mind is that the bleeding will stop when real justice is fully served.

In one of my conversations with Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ, he was talking about the missionary impact of the death of Richie Fernando in Cambodia. It was a death considered as self-sacrificing. As I remember this conversation, I was also thinking about the missionary impact of the sexual abuse that I experienced in the hands of this well-connected Jesuit involved in marital counseling. I remember the times that Fr. Tanseco stripped me naked in his room in Loyola House of Studies and its missionary impact on me. I remember the times that, in my nakedness, Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals until my penis got hard and in full erection. It was an experience of profound missionary impact. I remember the times that Fr. Tanseco put my hard penis in his mouth and feel the sensation of being sucked. It was an experience of meaningful missionary impact. I remember the times that Fr. Tanseco jerked me off until I ejaculate. It was an experience of great missionary impact. Imagining Richie Fernando watching the pornographic scenes in heaven, he must be excited to become a saint.

I accidentally encountered the idea of Ignatian conversion through a friend… As I call to mind how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. stripped me of my clothes in his room at the Loyola House of Studies, I cannot help but think of how profound I experienced the workings of Ignatian conversion. As I call to mind how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. fondled my genitals until my penis would become erect, I cannot help but think of how deep I experienced the workings of Ignatian conversion. As I call to mind how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, sucked my penis until my body stiffened in pleasure signaling ejaculation, I cannot help but think of how real Ignatian conversion is in this Jesuit, priest, religious, teacher, counselor, formator, retreat director….

One Saturday afternoon, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. was to officiate a wedding at the Mount Carmel Church in New Manila. He invited me to go with him and off I went. After the wedding, we had dinner some in Greenhills. We spent the night at his father’s house in Wack-Wack Village. I have vivid memories of this event. I seated myself at the last pew inside the Church. There were not too many people inside. I can remember Fr. Tanseco doing the rituals at the altar and sanctuary from the beginning to the end of the Mass. I was a spectator. My presence in that wedding was strange. I felt strange. I do not know anybody. And the wedding was solemnized. Off we went after the ceremonies and proceeded to Greenhills. Of course, I cannot forget the gray Volkswagen beatle he was driving. He would occasionally grope my crotch while driving, pressing and fondling my hard dick inside my pants.

We were in the house by evening and off we went directly to his room. We freshened up. We prepared ourselves to go to bed. I would wear a white Adidas short pants and white sando. And the lights were off soon after which he starts to touch my thigh, grope my crotch, get hold of my hard dick, put my dick in his mouth, and jerk me off until I explode. It was such a pleasure of a sensation that I just close my eyes until my body stiffens and quickly after my cum explodes. I was in my early 20s and i was just sexually energetic.

Earlier in that afternoon, Fr. Ruben Tanseco did holy things in celebrating a Mass and solemnizing a marriage. The lips he used to utter holy words were the very same lips that performed a holy blowjob in the evening. Does that sound Jesuit and Ignatian???

I no longer consider myself religious. Recently I came across with the idea of the resurrection of Jesus. I am not sure if I still believe in the resurrection. If ever I entertain the idea of the resurrection, it is against the backdrop of my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of a Jesuit, Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco. I entertain the idea of the resurrection if it means I overcome the trauma of sexual abuse. I entertain the idea of the resurrection if I no longer get reminded of the humiliation I feel every time Fr. Tanseco stripped me of my clothes until I become naked in front of him. I entertain the idea of the resurrection if it means I forget the pain of dehumanization every time Fr. Tanseco, who in my nakedness, fondled my genitals. I entertain the idea of the resurrection if it means I forget the pain of powerlessness every time Fr. Tanseco made my penis erect for him to suck and to masturbate until I ejaculate.

But I chose not to forget. I chose to continue feeling the pain. I choose to experience the humiliation and dehumanization. I choose to dwell in my being wounded. I may not like the pain. I may run from it. I choose not to forget what I have suffered as I look forward to more sensible Jesuits to recognize the pain of humiliation and dehumanization and the need for real justice that goes with it.

I am basically a happy person. I was washing my clothes one day when all of a sudden I had a flashback of my childhood years. For some years, our house was near the plaza, the church, and the school. The plaza was my playground. I can see the church from our bedroom window. The public school where I finished grade school was just a few steps from our house. The plaza, the church and the school were the center of the community. I would play a lot as a child. Aside from the plaza, the school and the church would have their front lawns serving as our playground. In short, I was a typical child. I grew up without shortage of laughter even when I experienced shortage of food and money. I remained a happy person in the seminary.

If I juxtapose my happy childhood with my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the Jesuit, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, I feel like all the happiness in my life was stolen from me. I was a happy and a positive person while undergoing formation in the seminary. But I left the seminary a broken, damaged person as I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. had fondled my genitals. I left the seminary a hurtful person as I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. sucked my dick. I left the seminary a psychologically and spiritually wounded person as I remember how Fr. Rubem Tanseco, S.J. masturbated my dick until I ejaculate.

And the Jesuit who sexually abused me just died. Many would praise him. His confreres may want to canonize him. But for destroying my life, my vocation, and my faith, he does not deserve any kind word from me. For inflicting interior, spiritual suffering in me, i cannot grieve for him because i grieve for myself. For the psychological and emotional scar that resulted from him sucking my dick and trampling upon my dignity, he does not deserve any praise. For as long as i am alive, i will not forget this injustice done to me by somebody who preaches justice himself. His death cannot compensate for my suffering. In his death, I cannot regain what i lost. For being the author of all my pain, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. is just what Matthew 7:15 refers to as a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Looking back to my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the Jesuit, Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco, I cannot help but think of how he became the author of all my pain. Looking back to how Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals, suck my dick, and masturbated me until ejaculation, I cannot help but feel the pain of a shattered my vocation to the priesthood. I was a seminarian studying theology, young naive and vulnerable, when he sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my faith and being estranged from the Church and the sacraments. I can no longer remember the last time I went to mass and receive the Eucharist. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my appetite for prayer and the spiritual life. I cannot remember the last time I prayed and read the Scriptures. I cannot help but feel the pain of isolation and loss of trust in relationships. I prefer to be alone most of the time because I feel safe when I am alone. I cannot help but feel the pain of my dignity being trampled upon. I felt used just like a thing when Fr. Tanseco sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of being insulted by a protege of Fr. Tanseco and a former therapist. I cannot help but feel the pain of being subtly threatened by a Jesuit provincial superior as I sought the real justice that I deserve as a victim of sexual abuse. For the most part, I can only point to Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. as the author of all my pain.

I came across with a passage from the letter of Paul to the Romans (Rom. 5:3). I smiled when I read something about rejoicing in suffering. St. Paul can be amusing sometimes. Reading the passage led me to remember the sexual abuse I experienced from the hands of the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco. The many times that Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. fondled my genitals led me to emotional suffering as I become an angry person. The many times that Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. put my penis into his mouth and sucked it led me to psychological suffering such that I often feel jittery and disoriented, and depressed. The many times that Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. masturbated my penis until I ejaculate led me to spiritual suffering and the loss of my faith. The suffering caused by my experience of sexual abuse from this Jesuit is unnecessary suffering, a suffering I do not deserve. I find it ridiculous and absurd to think that suffering produces perseverance. The suffering that I am going through as a victim of sexual abuse by a Jesuit cannot be a cause for rejoicing. The suffering that I am going through as a victim of sexual abuse by a Jesuit is a suffering that deserves justice, not an insult and a threat.

I have shed a lot of tears already. I think the well of my tears has already run dry. I know I am imprisoned in the misery brought about by the sexual abuse I experienced from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, a Jesuit. Every time I remember how Fr. Tanseco stripped me naked, I can feel my heart beat faster. Every time I remember how Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals, I can feel intense anger. Every time I remember how Fr. Tanseco sucked my dick, I can feel that undescribable worthlessness in me. I am a prisoner of this exhausting trauma. I am making myself busy living one day at a time. Or I might just be making myself busy dying. I hope the breaking point does not come soon. Or I hope that I attain justice way before I reach that breaking point so that I can still fix what remains of a shattered person. Let those who has ears hear this cry for justice.

Ash Wednesday reminds us of our mortality and helps in our resolve to repent of our sins and believe in the Gospel. What does Ash Wednesday remind a victim of sexual abuse like me? Ash Wednesday reminds me of how the consecrated hands of Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. fondled my genitals and masturbated me. Those consecrated hands are used for the imposition of ashes during Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday reminds me of how the consecrated lips of Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. sucked my penis. The consecrated lips are supposed to proclaim the Gospel and pronounce blessings. Gospel means good news. What can be good news for a victim of sexual abuse like me? For me, that good news is the good news of justice. The next question is: Is there a good news of justice to believe in? As of this time, I cannot believe in the good news of justice because it is not real. If the Jesuits preach “faith that does justice,” it is mere rhetoric, empty and meaningless. More than being preached, the good news of justice is to be practiced. Is justice selective? I can still remember a Jesuit rector telling me about the dismissal of two young Jesuit priests who sexually abused one of the staff in the infirmary. Two older Jesuit priests were also dismissed, one is already seventy years old or so, both are professors in Loyola School of Theology. But Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. remains a Jesuit. There is another Jesuit professor in Loyola School of Theology who sexually abused a seminarian in San Jose Seminary who, by what kind of clout, continues to teach theology. A lay employee of San Jose Seminary once told me that he was sent abroad, possibly in Canada, for therapy. I asked therapy for what? For alcoholism or sexual abuse? The lay employee said both. Considering the circumstances, I can only think of faith that does cheap justice or faith that does selective justice….

Holiness does not exist. I cannot talk of a holy person in the Jesuit Fr. Ruben Tanseco when he started to hold me in the inner part of my thigh as I sit inside his Volkswagen while he was driving from Loyola House of Studies to his home in Wack-Wack Village. I would occasionally be invited to spend the Saturday night with him in their family’s home. We would have dinner somewhere, sometimes in one of the restaurants in Greenhills, before we would proceed to their house. When we arrive, he would see his father first. I would fix myself in his own room. The room is air-conditioned and carpeted. The bed is comfortable. In most instances, he takes a shower first while I watch television. I would refresh myself after him. I can still remember that white, draw-string short pants that Fr. Tanseco would hand me to wear for the night paired with a white sando, all of which would be stripped of me at some point during the night. Fr. Ruben Tanseco is a marriage counselor, professor of pastoral counseling in Loyola School of Theology and founder of the Center of Family Ministries who would begin his molestation of me by stripping me naked on a comfortable bed in a dark room. He would proceed by licking my nipples as if it is a necessary part of his ritual of sexual abuse. He would then tenderly touch my thighs, explore my balls with his hands, until he gets hold of my fully erect penis, gently caressing it, playing with it. Part of his menu is to put my erect penis inside his mouth. I can feel the warmth of his mouth as he performs the blowjob. The last part of his ritual of molestation is when he would masturbate me gently, rhythmically, until I reaches orgasm and explode. I can feel the warm cum on my tummy. Fr. Tanseco would take care of cleaning up the mess.

My body can only jerk in pleasure. My body reacts with pleasure in this abusive situation. After all, sexual abuse is not about sex, but about power. I am overpowered by somebody who has a spiritual, psychological, and shall we say, financial hold on me. And I cannot call it holiness. I cannot call it sanctity. I cannot call it kindness. I cannot call it justice. I cannot call it “for the greater glory of God. I cannot call it Ignatian spirituality. (to be continued)

I had another flashback lately. I saw myself on the roofdeck of Loyola School of Theology having a conversation with the now Jesuit priest, Fr. Nono Alfonso. Our conversation focused on Fr. Victor R. Salanga, SJ, then president of Loyola School of Theology (LST). Nono Alfonso asked me about the extent that LST employees knew about the case of sexual abuse committed by Fr. Salanga. His victim was a Jesuit novice who, as was related to me, altered his life to become a lawyer in order to get back at Fr. Salanga. The sexual abuse happened in the context of spiritual direction. Fr. Salanga’s victim was a friend of Nono Alfonso. I only know the victim by name. The case was common knowledge to many of the LST employees. I was librarian of LST for some eleven years. I remember we were informally talking about the case among the library staff. Nono Alfonso also told me about how Fr. Salanga attempted to sexually abuse him. Fr. Salanga is now in the United States. I was told that he cannot go back to the Philippines as one of the conditions set by his victim.

As we continue to talk, I told Nono Alfonso that I was also sexually abused by a Jesuit, by Fr. Ruben Tanseco. He encouraged me to disclose my sexual abuse experience to the Jesuit superior. Some days after we talked, I went to see my spiritual director, Fr. Thomas Green, SJ. Fr. Green and Fr. Tanseco were good friends. I can remember how he discouraged me from disclosing to Jesuit superiors. I made Nono Alfonso aware about what my spiritual director said regarding my case. He did not like it. But I finally decided to make the disclosure. The Jesuit provincial superior during that time was Fr. Danny Huang who happened to be in Rome for a general congregation. The acting provincial superior in his absence was Fr. Mario Francisco who was President of Loyola School of Theology at that time. As a concrete move, I wrote a disclosure letter. After finishing the letter, I saw Lando Jaluag in the library. I asked him to read my letter before I printed it. After printing it out, I put the letter in an envelop and gave the letter to Fr. Mario Francisco. I still have the hard copy of the letter with some editing on it. Fr. Mario acted quite quickly and went to see Fr. Tanseco. Soon enough, I got a reply in writing from Fr. Mario. I still keep the copy of that letter. In that letter, I was told not to talk to anybody about the sexual abuse that Fr. Ruben Tanseco did to me. Obviously, I was silenced.

My roofdeck encounter with Nono Alfonso was a “MeToo” moment for me. That encounter also marked the beginning of my interior struggle that continues until today.

Every now and then, I would feel nervous, anxious, panicky and jittery. If I am at work, I have to stop working, talk a walk, and I would feel better. Just recently, the panic attack becomes strong enough that I cannot ignore. I am thankful to some friends to whom I sent messages about what I am going through and they were kind enough to talk to me until I feel relaxed. I cannot understand what I am going through. The following day I did not report for work. I went to see a cardiologist who told me that my blood pressure is higher than normal and that my heart beat is slow. I have to undergo further diagnostic test but that would be subject to availability of funds.

I am worried about my cardiac health in as much as I am worried about my mental health. I have to make do with whatever self-help that I can do in order to feel relaxed and avoid being anxious and jittery. I would resort to writing down my thoughts and post what I have written as a blog entry. As a form of catharsis, I would also write about what I am going through and send them as a private message to certain people on social media and request them that they pray for me. I continue to seek justice from the Jesuits and in the process I experienced being threatened and being insulted. In an email I received from the Jesuit provincial, I was told that my actions can result in “negative consequences” for me. I cannot avoid thinking of the email as a subtle threat, if not a manipulation of conscience. Given my psychological struggle and spiritual weakness, the Jesuits cannot dictate my behavior. The road to healing is long and arduous. Emotional and psychological work may take years. One cannot speed up healing but many things can be done to slow it down. I know what I deserve and that is meaningful reparation and real justice. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that damaged me. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that shattered my faith and my vocation. But it is the evil abuser that is being protected and the damaged victim remains a victim of injustice. Much damage has been done to the church by sexual abuse, but more damage has been done to the victim.

i was washing my clothes one afternoon when all of a sudden i felt jittery. after a few seconds came the flashback of that room on the third floor of loyola house of studies with a small flag of the philippines at the door. i was brought inside that room several times. and every time i was in the room, i can still remember how tanseco would make me lie down on his bed. he would freshen himself and i can still remember the smell of astring-o-sol. soon after freshening up, he would come near me and unzip my pants, remove my shirt and my underwear. he would strip me of everything i wore. in stripping me of everything i wore, he stripped me of my dignity and my faith. i can still remember how he would first play with my penis, fondle my genitals, make me hard. after making me hard, he would put my dick inside his mouth and all i could do is close my eyes. my body reacts with pleasure even in moments of sexual abuse. alternatingly, he would continue to suck me and masturbate me until i ejaculate. he would give me a towel to clean myself. i put on again my underwear, my shirt and my pants and go out of his room as if nothing happened. as i look back to those times, i think of the religious vow of chastity. as i recall how he sucked my penis, i think of finding god in all things. i think of the magis. i think of cura personalis. i think of ignatian spirituality. i think of faith that does justice. i think of how a jesuit has made an impact on my person, my faith, my life. my experience of sexual abuse from a jesuit points me to ignatian spirituality at its finest….

i was washing my clothes earlier when all of a sudden i felt jittery. after a few seconds came the flashback of that room on the third floor of loyola house of studies with a small flag of the philippines at the door. i was brought inside that room several times. and every time i was in the room, i can still remember how tanseco would make me lie down on his bed. he would freshen himself and i can still remember the smell of astring-o-sol. soon after freshening up, he would come near me and unzip my pants, remove my shirt and my underwear. he would strip me of everything i wore. i can still remember how he would first play with my penis, fondle my genitals, make me hard. after making me hard, he would put my dick inside his mouth and all i could do is close my eyes. my body reacts with pleasure even in moments of sexual abuse. alternatingly, he would continue to suck me and masturbate me until i ejaculate. he would give me a towel to clean myself. i put on again my underwear, my shirt and my pants and go out of his room as if nothing happened. as i look back to those times, i think of the religious vow of chastity. as i recall how he sucked my penis, i think of finding god in all things. i think of the magis. i think of cura personalis. i think of ignatian spirituality. i think of faith that does justice. i think of how a jesuit has made an impact on my person, my faith, my life.

My experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. has led me away from God. It is ironic that my experience of sexual abuse was done by a Jesuit who would give retreats and promote the Spiritual Exercises. I cannot reconcile my experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit with his task of showing the way to God through the Spiritual Exercises. As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco sucked my dick, all the more that I distance myself from God. His sucking my dick does not represent a path to God. As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco fondled my genitals, more and more I socially exclude myself and become more comfortable in isolation. As I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco masturbated my penis until I ejaculate, I experience being overpowered and dominated. I lost my dignity as a human person. I lost my faith in a Church I wanted to serve as a priest.

In one instance as relayed in the Gospel of John, Jesus asked Peter the question “Do you love me?” Jesus asked Peter with the same question three times. Peter answered, “Yes, Lord, I love you.” With that answer, Jesus gave Peter the task of feeding His lambs, whatever that means. There was a song relating this encounter between Jesus and Peter. I remember it was one song that we sung during an ordination to the priesthood. A priest, who is supposed to love and follow Jesus, is given the task to be a shepherd to his flock. An anomaly happens when, instead of feeding the lambs or tending the flock, a priest sexually abuses somebody from the flock. I remember how Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J., a priest and a Jesuit, sexually abused me. Perhaps, that was how he interprets Jesus’ command to feed the lambs. Instead of feeding the lambs, Fr. Tanseco sucked my dick. Instead of feeding the lambs, Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals. Instead of feeding the lambs, Fr. Tanseco masturbated my penis until I cum. Instead of feeding the lambs, he exerted his power and stature and authority to sexually abuse me. I read somewhere that sexual abuse is not about sex, but it is about power.

Not all Jesuits are bad. However, one of the good Jesuits and one of my few Jesuit friends died recently. This post is a tribute to somebody who knew what justice is. He is too young to die. He is a promising Jesuit to die soon. I just had a rare chance to open up to him about how I was sexually abused by his fellow Jesuit. He was so sorry about my experience of sexual abuse from his fellow religious and Jesuit he once respected and looked up to. He was so sorry to hear about how I am badly treated by his fellow Jesuits when told him some of my bad experiences with senior Jesuits in my quest for justice. He told me I do not deserve the kind of treatment I am receiving. He further told me that, in a way, the Jesuits would want to cover up the case of sexual abuse by this respectable Jesuit. It is part of cover up to send me to a therapist chosen for me by the Jesuit Provincial Superior, Fr. Jun Viray, S.J. After all, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. is a big name in the Society of Jesus. He was just helpless that he really cannot do much to help me find justice because he is not in a leadership position in the religious congregation. He found it stupid for some of his fellow Jesuits to think that my struggle for justice is all about money. He agreed with me that even if I am given all the wealth of the Jesuits I will not regain what I lost. He found it ridiculous for the Jesuit leadership to require me to liquidate any amount given to me to be used for my therapy. By the way, there is nothing to liquidate when until now I received nothing from the current Jesuit leadership. Besides, my dignity cannot be subject to liquidation. The Jesuits are working on making Richie Fernando a saint. He told me how Richie was an advocate of justice in the real sense, through his work and not mere rhetoric. In his death, I lost a friend. In his death, I lost somebody who knew the sufferings of a sexual abuse victim. In his death, I lost somebody who understood what justice should be for a victim of sexual abuse by his fellow Jesuit, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. I can only think of how many young Jesuits need to die before its leadership realize how the victims of sexual abuse by “many” Jesuits deserve real justice.

How is the veneration of the cross done during Good Friday? I would see people line up to kiss the cross. Thinking of veneration by kissing, I would always remember how the supposed to be the holy lips of the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, kissed and sucked my dick. I stopped venerating the cross if that means kissing. I would remember how I was sexually abused by Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. by using his lips in exploring my genital area. If there was one event that led to the crucifixion, it was the Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit was an experience of betrayal. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed me. I trusted him all along because was a priest and a Jesuit. I would look up to him and his fellow Jesuits who are known for being brilliant men. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his priesthood and his vow of chastity. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his mission of leading people to God. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Ruben Tanseco betrayed his advocacy for justice. His life was a double life, a life with a lot of betrayals. I cannot venerate a cross brought about by betrayal.

The weather is just warm but depressing. I can sense I start to feel jittery and my breathing start to become faster. I know something is going on inside that wants to be released, some kind of a poison I just have to expel from my system. I would remember how Holy Thursday was for me. It has been years that I have not considered this week holy. I can remember the washing of the feet being re-enacted on Holy Thursday services. However, it has ceased to be meaningful to me. I would imagine Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. re-enacting the washing of the feet using his hands consecrated to make things holy at ordination. But I think of the same hands that fondled my genitals and masturbated my penis until I ejaculate. I would imagine Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. kissing the feet of the apostles after washing them. The lips he used to kiss the apostles’ feet were the same lips that sucked my dick. These flashbacks make me shudder. These images make me tremble in anger and hate. I know something is wrong somewhere. But that is what a Holy Thursday simply is.

Ignatian spirituality is said to be a spirituality for everyday life, with its insistence that God is present in our world and active in our lives. It is a pathway to deep prayer, good decisions guided by keen discernment, and an active life of service to others. I can only look back to how the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, sexually abused. I have a lot of questions about how Ignatian spirituality is being lived on a day-to-day basis by this Jesuit priest. I think of those times when Fr. Tanseco would suck my dick and ask if that is how Ignatian spirituality becomes a spirituality of everyday life. I think of those times that Fr. Tanseco would masturbate me and ask if that is how God is present and active in my life. For sure, the sexual abuse done to me by Fr. Tanseco was not a product of deep prayer. There was no good decision guided by keen discernment every time Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals. In using me as a sexual object, I cannot consider Ignatian spirituality as a pathway to an active life of service to others. I was confronted by the hypocrisy of the whole idea of Ignatian spirituality. My experience of sexual abuse from a Jesuit totally abrogates everything that Ignatian spirituality is. Instead of experiencing God, my experience of sexual abuse was an experience of the devil, an experience of injustice from somebody who preaches “faith that does justice.”