Sexual Abuse by the Clergy Damaged the Church

Every now and then, I would feel nervous, anxious, panicky and jittery. If I am at work, I have to stop working, talk a walk, and I would feel better. Just recently, the panic attack becomes strong enough that I cannot ignore. I am thankful to some friends to whom I sent messages about what I am going through and they were kind enough to talk to me until I feel relaxed. I cannot understand what I am going through. The following day I did not report for work. I went to see a cardiologist who told me that my blood pressure is higher than normal and that my heart beat is slow. I have to undergo further diagnostic test but that would be subject to availability of funds.

I am worried about my cardiac health in as much as I am worried about my mental health. I have to make do with whatever self-help that I can do in order to feel relaxed and avoid being anxious and jittery. I would resort to writing down my thoughts and post what I have written as a blog entry. As a form of catharsis, I would also write about what I am going through and send them as a private message to certain people on social media and request them that they pray for me. I continue to seek justice from the Jesuits and in the process I experienced being threatened and being insulted. In an email I received from the Jesuit provincial, I was told that my actions can result in “negative consequences” for me. I cannot avoid thinking of the email as a subtle threat, if not a manipulation of conscience. Given my psychological struggle and spiritual weakness, the Jesuits cannot dictate my behavior. The road to healing is long and arduous. Emotional and psychological work may take years. One cannot speed up healing but many things can be done to slow it down. I know what I deserve and that is meaningful reparation and real justice. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that damaged me. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that shattered my faith and my vocation. But it is the evil abuser that is being protected and the damaged victim remains a victim of injustice. Much damage has been done to the church by sexual abuse, but more damage has been done to the victim.

9 thoughts on “Sexual Abuse by the Clergy Damaged the Church

      1. You’re welcome. As an abuse victim myself, I know how it can cycle between times where we think we can handle everything, and times where it crushes us. The important thing is to not let it beat you. Terrible crimes were committed against you, but they don’t make you who you are. “You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.” -Alex Elle

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Dear toting alibis,

    I saw and appreciated your likes on various of the pages on my blog and have visited several of your blog posts.

    I am so very sorry for the experiences you have been subjected to at the hands of sinful priests. I am sorry it has jeopardized your faith…’shattered’ I believe was your word. I have experienced rape, but nothing so terribly spirit-damaging as what you have gone through.

    I want you to know that I will be including you in my prayers. What I have prayed for for several months now (years?) on behalf of all those subjected to abuse by our clergy is that our Father bless each of you with the firm knowledge that you are his beautiful and beloved child. Not a victim.

    I pray that, whenever you are ready, our Father will help you to throw off the bonds of victim-hood and continue on your journey of becoming the man He created you to be. To be His, first and foremost, who weeps with you (and all of us believers who are wounded by your wounds) when He watches the unrepentant sinfulness of His priests. But their sins are not yours, no matter the circumstance. And their sins are not our Father’s, our first and only true love.

    He loves you so very much and wants to claim you — even all your wounds and scars, maybe your wounds and scars, most especially — to be His own.

    I pray you say, ‘yes,’ to Him.


    1. Dear Mary Adrienne:

      Thank you very much for the prayers you offer, especially for me. What I am going through is not easy but I am consoled to learn that somebody like you would more than listen and understand my struggles as a victim of sexual abuse.



  2. I have had to forgive a lot of organized religions and the Catholic church is one of them. Jesus said don’t call anyone Father except your Father in heaven. Apostle Paul said celibacy is a gift; not everyone has this gift and he advised marriage if you couldn’t control your passions and lusts. I don’t think this should be pushed on to anyone that feels called to serve God. In the end I cling to John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they (God’s children) may have life and have it abundantly. [ESV] Along with churches, I’ve also had to forgive the young man who stole my innocence when I was 7 and other men who took advantage of me. Forgiveness is a start, but fear causes torment and only God’s perfect love; usually displayed through imperfect people; is the thing that casts out fear. Jesus paid the price for all our healing and I pray you have new revelation of all these things and complete healing of your body, soul and spirit comes soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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