Every now and then, I would feel nervous, anxious, panicky and jittery. If I am at work, I have to stop working, talk a walk, and I would feel better. Just recently, the panic attack becomes strong enough that I cannot ignore. I am thankful to some friends to whom I sent messages about what I am going through and they were kind enough to talk to me until I feel relaxed. I cannot understand what I am going through. The following day I did not report for work. I went to see a cardiologist who told me that my blood pressure is higher than normal and that my heart beat is slow. I have to undergo further diagnostic test but that would be subject to availability of funds.
I am worried about my cardiac health in as much as I am worried about my mental health. I have to make do with whatever self-help that I can do in order to feel relaxed and avoid being anxious and jittery. I would resort to writing down my thoughts and post what I have written as a blog entry. As a form of catharsis, I would also write about what I am going through and send them as a private message to certain people on social media and request them that they pray for me. I continue to seek justice from the Jesuits and in the process I experienced being threatened and being insulted. In an email I received from the Jesuit provincial, I was told that my actions can result in “negative consequences” for me. I cannot avoid thinking of the email as a subtle threat, if not a manipulation of conscience. Given my psychological struggle and spiritual weakness, the Jesuits cannot dictate my behavior. The road to healing is long and arduous. Emotional and psychological work may take years. One cannot speed up healing but many things can be done to slow it down. I know what I deserve and that is meaningful reparation and real justice. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that damaged me. It is the evil of sexual abuse done to me by the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, that shattered my faith and my vocation. But it is the evil abuser that is being protected and the damaged victim remains a victim of injustice. Much damage has been done to the church by sexual abuse, but more damage has been done to the victim.