Holiness does not exist. I cannot talk of a holy person in the Jesuit Fr. Ruben Tanseco when he started to hold me in the inner part of my thigh as I sit inside his Volkswagen while he was driving from Loyola House of Studies to his home in Wack-Wack Village. I would occasionally be invited to spend the Saturday night with him in their family’s home. We would have dinner somewhere, sometimes in one of the restaurants in Greenhills, before we would proceed to their house. When we arrive, he would see his father first. I would fix myself in his own room. The room is air-conditioned and carpeted. The bed is comfortable. In most instances, he takes a shower first while I watch television. I would refresh myself after him. I can still remember that white, draw-string short pants that Fr. Tanseco would hand me to wear for the night paired with a white sando, all of which would be stripped of me at some point during the night. Fr. Ruben Tanseco is a marriage counselor, professor of pastoral counseling in Loyola School of Theology and founder of the Center of Family Ministries who would begin his molestation of me by stripping me naked on a comfortable bed in a dark room. He would proceed by licking my nipples as if it is a necessary part of his ritual of sexual abuse. He would then tenderly touch my thighs, explore my balls with his hands, until he gets hold of my fully erect penis, gently caressing it, playing with it. Part of his menu is to put my erect penis inside his mouth. I can feel the warmth of his mouth as he performs the blowjob. The last part of his ritual of molestation is when he would masturbate me gently, rhythmically, until I reaches orgasm and explode. I can feel the warm cum on my tummy. Fr. Tanseco would take care of cleaning up the mess.
My body can only jerk in pleasure. My body reacts with pleasure in this abusive situation. After all, sexual abuse is not about sex, but about power. I am overpowered by somebody who has a spiritual, psychological, and shall we say, financial hold on me. And I cannot call it holiness. I cannot call it sanctity. I cannot call it kindness. I cannot call it justice. I cannot call it “for the greater glory of God. I cannot call it Ignatian spirituality. (to be continued)