The Author of All My Pain

Looking back to my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the Jesuit, Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco, I cannot help but think of how he became the author of all my pain. Looking back to how Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals, suck my dick, and masturbated me until ejaculation, I cannot help but feel the pain of a shattered my vocation to the priesthood. I was a seminarian studying theology, young naive and vulnerable, when he sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my faith and being estranged from the Church and the sacraments. I can no longer remember the last time I went to mass and receive the Eucharist. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my appetite for prayer and the spiritual life. I cannot remember the last time I prayed and read the Scriptures. I cannot help but feel the pain of isolation and loss of trust in relationships. I prefer to be alone most of the time because I feel safe when I am alone. I cannot help but feel the pain of my dignity being trampled upon. I felt used just like a thing when Fr. Tanseco sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of being insulted by a protege of Fr. Tanseco and a former therapist. I cannot help but feel the pain of being subtly threatened by a Jesuit provincial superior as I sought the real justice that I deserve as a victim of sexual abuse. For the most part, I can only point to Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. as the author of all my pain.

19 thoughts on “The Author of All My Pain

  1. May Jesus be the Author of your healing. What happened to you was wrong, desperately wrong, sick and sad. I am so sorry that you were hurt so deeply. God alone can take your broken pieces and put you back together again. God can use what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good.
    I speak from experience. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse, child abuse and spousal abuse. The Lord God Almighty has healed my broken heart. He will heal you too if you surrender this all to Him. In the name of Jesus I pray for your divine healing. Our God is able. Won’t you turn to Him today?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You have to believe to receive. You must bring all the hurt and pain to Jesus feet. Please read this blog if you do not know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/05/11/believe-and-receive/ This one will help you with a prayer to release your very heavy burden https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/05/08/trapped/ and please remember that you have worth. Your life matters, please turn to Him https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/04/13/meant-for-more/

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m really sorry that you suffered through so much from people who you trusted the most. This must have left emotional and psychological scars. I know that you have made a Jesuit the author of your pain but the story is not over yet. Please don’t let him continue to write more because he’s a bad author and he just wants a bad ending. God bless. Jesus loves you man

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Toting,
    Thank you for sharing your bad experience. Congratulations for coming out. I know it is not easy for you to do this. It is hard because there will always be some people who would like to stop you and even will try to deny it and even will attack you for this.

    I hope and pray that by doing this your healing begins. I am sure you can still find some people to trust and csn help you in the process of healing.

    It is also good to find strength from all the pains that you have and continue to serve the Lord in the struggle of His people for dignity of life, justice, peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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