Lenten Reflection

I am bombarded by flashbacks and images of the sexual abuse I experienced from the Jesuit priest, Fr. Ruben Tanseco. I cannot find any space to see my old self who used happy, enthusiastic, diligent, prayerful and optimistic. I cannot talk of a deepest self. I cannot talk of being spiritual. I cannot talk of religion. I seem to forget or detach myself from all the things associated with Fr. Ruben Tanseco and his being a Jesuit. I see myself as very far from what they would refer to as Ignatian spirituality and finding god in all things. I have to take care of myself away from religion, away from things spiritual. I have to be kind in my own little ways without attaching any spiritual meaning to it. I do my tasks without attaching ideas about the magis. I live my day-to-day life preferring to be isolated and alone. I just enjoy what needs to be enjoyed. I do not know the way to God. There is no such thing as my deepest self which is the space where God can speak to me. I think of it as an absurdity of all absurdities when I think of how Fr. Ruben Tanseco fondled my genitals, masturbated me and sucked my dick.