For the second time, I saw Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ in my dream last night. The place is familiar. In the Loyola House of Studies Complex where one can also find Loyola School of Theology (LST). In 1987, I was in my first year of theological studies in LST. In 1988, Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ sexually abused me. I worked as a librarian in LST for some 11 years. In short, I spent a considerable number of years of my life in that place where I saw Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ in my dream last night. He looks sad and weak and pale. He must be suffering. At the back of my mind, he must be struggling with the thought that his being a Jesuit and his acts of sexually abusing me is beyond reconciling especially when you are familiar with the stature of Fr. Tanseco among the Jesuits in the Philippines. His sexually abusing me was something innate in him and is a concrete manifestation of his Jesuit identity and mission. His sexually abusing me truly reflects the spirit of creative fidelity to his vow of chastity and the Ignatian spirituality he would preach. In sexually abusing me, Fr. Tanseco concretely embodies what it means to minister with integrity and accountability. No wonder I saw him sad and weak and pale in my dream last night.
In my dream, I notice how the Jesuits were not talking to me. I can see a couple of Jesuits who used to be friends when I was a librarian in Loyola School of Theology. They were aloof as I notice them in my dream. I also saw myself inside the library. As always, it is a quiet place. I also notice one instance when I find myself in the LHS Lobby. I would see Jesuits milling around. They are familiar faces to me but they avoid me.
As I think about my dream and note things down, I am wondering about what it would mean. Only time will tell… Sooner or later.
Reflections 