The Author of All My Pain

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Looking back to my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of the Jesuit, Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco, I cannot help but think of how he became the author of all my pain. Looking back to how Fr. Tanseco fondled my genitals, suck my dick, and masturbated me until ejaculation, I cannot help but feel the pain of a shattered my vocation to the priesthood. I was a seminarian studying theology, young naive and vulnerable, when he sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my faith and being estranged from the Church and the sacraments. I can no longer remember the last time I went to mass and receive the Eucharist. I cannot help but feel the pain of losing my appetite for prayer and the spiritual life. I cannot remember the last time I prayed and read the Scriptures. I cannot help but feel the pain of isolation and loss of trust in relationships. I prefer to be alone most of the time because I feel safe when I am alone. I cannot help but feel the pain of my dignity being trampled upon. I felt used just like a thing when Fr. Tanseco sexually abused me. I cannot help but feel the pain of being insulted by a protege of Fr. Tanseco and a former therapist. I cannot help but feel the pain of being subtly threatened by a Jesuit provincial superior as I sought the real justice that I deserve as a victim of sexual abuse. For the most part, I can only point to Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. as the author of all my pain.

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28 thoughts on “The Author of All My Pain”

  1. May Jesus be the Author of your healing. What happened to you was wrong, desperately wrong, sick and sad. I am so sorry that you were hurt so deeply. God alone can take your broken pieces and put you back together again. God can use what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good.
    I speak from experience. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse, child abuse and spousal abuse. The Lord God Almighty has healed my broken heart. He will heal you too if you surrender this all to Him. In the name of Jesus I pray for your divine healing. Our God is able. Won’t you turn to Him today?

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      1. You have to believe to receive. You must bring all the hurt and pain to Jesus feet. Please read this blog if you do not know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/05/11/believe-and-receive/ This one will help you with a prayer to release your very heavy burden https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/05/08/trapped/ and please remember that you have worth. Your life matters, please turn to Him https://thefathersfeet.wordpress.com/2020/04/13/meant-for-more/

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  2. I’m really sorry that you suffered through so much from people who you trusted the most. This must have left emotional and psychological scars. I know that you have made a Jesuit the author of your pain but the story is not over yet. Please don’t let him continue to write more because he’s a bad author and he just wants a bad ending. God bless. Jesus loves you man

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    1. thanks for the kind words, Kristian. the emotional and psychological scars are there and i continue to nurse the pain. i can only hope this will be over soon.

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  5. Dear Toting,
    Thank you for sharing your bad experience. Congratulations for coming out. I know it is not easy for you to do this. It is hard because there will always be some people who would like to stop you and even will try to deny it and even will attack you for this.

    I hope and pray that by doing this your healing begins. I am sure you can still find some people to trust and csn help you in the process of healing.

    It is also good to find strength from all the pains that you have and continue to serve the Lord in the struggle of His people for dignity of life, justice, peace.

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  6. i pray that you find healing and happiness soon. please know that that episode is not the end of your world. rise up, move on and find that joy and fulfillment out there that is just waiting for you.

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  8. Your agony is justified. Its a shame how you were abused. You may never be able to forgive him or forget him but its time to move on. Don’t let him control your today and tomorrow. Yesterday is over so look forward to good time. You are in my prayers

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  9. My Dear Brother,

    Every once in a while I visit your posts. I wish I can impart some words of comfort, substantial enough to give you a degree of freedom from this unimaginable pain you are going through. My research pointed me towards some articles and a video that you can definitely relate to. Specifically, from this one:

    Victims of Pedophile Priests Speak Out
    https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/101993252

    I hope you find solace from the articles and the video – knowing that you are not alone.

    This young woman found a degree of healing in the hands of the True God:
    https://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/experiences/bible-changes-lives/adult-survivor-child-abuse-video/

    Pray to our Heavenly Father Jehovah, the God whose name can be found in Psalm 83:18 original KJV and thousands more times from the original Bible texts. Supplicate to Him the way His Son Jesus Christ did as He called on his Father in agony from the garden on his last night on Earth (and all throughout his life and ministry while he was with us).

    Not that both Father and Son (and the myriads of angels) do not already know what you’ve been through, but He is waiting for you. And once you realize you are calling on the name of the True God, He will make Himself known to you and you will realize how much He loves you. You will get to know His purpose, and what He will do to the wicked. You will find Peace, strength and comfort knowing that you can leave all your sorrows to Him, and be on your way to spiritual healing as we look forward to the glorious future that awaits righteous people when the former things will never be called to mind (please meditate on Isaiah 65:17, Psalms 37:10-11, Revelation 21:4). He is the source of life, the Father of tender mercies, the Creator of the entire Universe. He is the one who healed me and who has the Power to heal you. He will release you from the bondage of the works of wickedness, knowing that you did not do anything to deserve this. He will give you the Truth and the Truth will set you free.

    I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

    In Christian Love, Anna

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    1. hello anna. good day to you. thank you for your kind words and thoughts for me. i am very much relieved to know that somebody understands what i am going through. it is just tough at times. i have to remain strong for an aging mother who has no idea whatsoever that the son she cared for and loved was sexually abused by a priest.

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