Ignatian Silencing of Sexual Abuse Victims

Confidentiality is the name of the game. All the while I thought it is the welfare of the victim that is the priority of this bunch of brilliant, discerning, spiritual. However, in their hypocrisy, they would employ every means to silence victims of sexual abuse like me. I remember one of those times that Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. and me would first talk in his office. From his office, he brought me to his room in Loyola House of Studies. It was day time. He would make me lie down on his bed. He would strip me of my shirt and pants. With nothing on, he would fondle my penis. He would make it erect and play with it. He would suck my dick without making me cum. It was his style of making me cum by masturbating my dick. He would know his own timing. He would make me cum at his own timing. My body reacts with pleasure even in that abusive situation. After I clean myself, I would put on my pants and shirt. He would give me money before I go out of his room. I would go out alone and fast and with fear to be seen by other Jesuits who live on the same floor. Without me realizing it at first, giving me money was a way of telling not to tell anyone about what happened. Looking back to such experience, I realize how vulnerable and naive I was. I never mentioned the secret to anybody. I have hidden the episodes of abuse from my classmates and my family. It is not enough to characterize my experience of sexual abuse from the hands of Fr. Ruben Tanseco, SJ as unfortunate. It was horrible, devastating, humiliating, and traumatic, all suffered interiorly, psychologically. I have suffered quietly, in the interior silence and brokenness of my being. I cannot be silenced now. Gone are the days of closed door meetings. Until now, I still get indications of being silenced. I have to face this dark part of my past with courage, frankness and transparency. I feel relief every time I see myself having the courage not to be silenced.

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